My Story

My LDS resume:
I was raised in a wonderful, faithful LDS home with roots that could be traced back to the days of Joseph and Brigham. I was valiant in my youth and was asked to speak often in sacrament meeting. My identity was wrapped up in the church. I loved the church. After starting a family of my own, life looked pretty good for a while: calling accepter, faithful church attender, obedient kid raiser, clean house keeper, visiting teacher, impressive relative name dropper, temple attender, sewer, baker, music maker, art and craft indulger, wife, mother and to top it all off - a joyful countenance keeper.
~Having been born of goodly parents...1 Nephi 1:1~


1996 – First wave begins:
Enter: inner turmoil. The secret inner thoughts I rarely revealed: Am I really worthy enough? How worthy do I need to be to go to the temple? What about making it to the Celestial Kingdom? How “good” is “good enough”? Liars are thrust into hell? (2 Nephi 9:34) I was mostly honest - how bad of a lie are we talking about here? Did I confess all sins, feel sorry enough, make sufficient restitution, and truly forsake it? Was I really sincere in my repentance? Sins of commission and omission – doing what I shouldn't and not doing what I should. Did I even recognize all my sins? What about the ones I wasn't aware of – how can I be forgiven of those? Was I doing all that was necessary to even retain the remission of my sins I was already forgiven of (Mosiah 4)? It seemed that week after week of lessons in church, my imperfections became more and more obvious. We heard inspiring stories of faithful members mixed with guilt ridden lessons. I was taught to always strive, always improve, to become better and better. Did I do enough today?  Avoid sin enough? Was Heavenly Father pleased with me, or disappointed? Long story short: Can you say Prozac?
~Psalm 14:3 “...There is none who does good, No, not one.”~
~1 John 1:8 “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”~


1999 – Second wave begins:
My husband (who served a mission and was also AP) began having doubts about the church, I was rock solid in my testimony of the Mormon church and unmovable. He kept discovering new problems with Mormon history that I never heard before. I was sure there must be some mistake with this information. The more problems he brought up, the closer I held on to the church. One night, he sat me down and showed me photocopies of original material and quotes, Bible passages that disagreed with Mormon doctrine, and a strong irrefutable case that there might be some serious problems with the church. He talked and reasoned with me for over 4 hours that night. That was the night my shell cracked. Oh, I was still a Mormon, but now I had some serious questions I needed to come to terms with.
~Proverbs 8:17 “...And those who seek me diligently will find me.” ~


Riding the waves:
The next few years were tough. I felt like I was being tossed around. There was stages of depression, a growing sense of unworthiness, and historical problems with Mormonism that I could barley acknowledge existed. We would have visitors at our house over the next few years; both Mormon and Christian. I heard all the arguments to confirm my bent toward Mormonism from missionaries and church leaders. I loved the church, I loved these people and even cried when one of the sister missionaries was called to a different area. However, I found something refreshing and appealing about a Christian man who worked with my husband. I tried, but could not be angry with him.  He was so nice and respectful.  He showed us Bible verses that contradicted Mormonism and spoke of Jesus, the gospel and the Bible in such a unique way.  I noticed his honesty and reverence and love toward Jesus. I also felt guilty when I found out he did many good works like pay tithing.  Why? I tried to do good because I had to, he did good things because he wanted to.  At times I was convinced the church just could not be true because of overwhelming evidences, I felt angry, sad, and strangely relieved. I would stay home from church for several weeks at a time. However, I still felt guilty which lead to more depression. Sometimes I would block all the problems of Mormonism out of my mind and think to myself that it just had to be true. I looked at all the good Mormons who were smart and they believed. I would then pull myself up by my bootstraps and get back to church. I would set goals, strive, and try harder. I felt like I was progressing and becoming a better person, but eventually, and always, falling short.
~Ephesians 4:14 “...tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about with every wind of doctrine...” ~



2004 - When waves collide:
A horrible thing happened to me. My big crisis hit. I was at the end of my rope. I felt like I was stranded in a big ocean without a ship or life vest for three years.
~Hosea 6:1 “...for He hath torn, and He will heal us; He hath smitten, and He will bind us up.” ~


2007: - The year I died:
I was clinging to the church at this point. However, reality stared me in the face and I was incapable of dealing with it. I even got a blessing from my bishop two days prior to the day I “died.” It didn't change my situation, or my outlook. No one could help me. No one... but... a loving Heavenly Father should? I began, “Dear Heavenly Father...please help me.” Nothing... “Please, Please, help me.” A Mormon verse kept coming to mind that said something like all blessings are predicated on obedience. Also, the Lord is bound when I do what He says, but if not, He holds not promise.  I remembered all the times I fell short - small lies by omission, not attending church enough and often not really desiring to be there, occasional inward anger and a judgmental heart, not performing my callings as well as I should have, not doing all my tasks like genealogy and temple attendance more often, and on and on.  Then a flood of unworthiness washed over me. I realized at that point that I was asking Heavenly Father for His blessing; and because I was not performing to His good standard, I was not worthy to receive it. I realized that honestly, even if I did get better every day, I could never have even one honest day where I could live up to the commitments I was making to Him each week during the sacrament- to always keep the commandments.  I understood that He knows every single thing about me, even my thoughts - and He held me accountable for them. He also knows all the times I did wrong and all the times I did not do what I should do. I was broken and knew I did not deserve His help in my desperate situation. I certainly didn't deserve exaltation.  In the most passionate plea I ever uttered, I began again with sobbing, “Father, Daddy, I desperately need a Father like never before; Please, Please, ABBA, hear me!  I can't do it!  I am not good enough, I will never be close to being good enough. I have no hope of ever living up to the standard; please, please forgive me. Please have mercy on me; help me. I need your forgiveness; my life is a mess. I'm done with it. It is yours to do whatever you want with it. You can have it, I don't care what happens to me. I want You to have my life.” As I was praying, I began to understand what that Christian explained to me many years ago. I finally understood that I could never ever merit the atonement, I was completely without hope of honestly doing what it took to get the atonement and I was in desperate need of saving.
~ Romans 6:6-7...For he who has died has been freed from sin...~


New life:
Then something completely unexpected happened. It reminded me of a fire, but without heat or pain. I never felt anything like it before. I never knew I was loved that much. I never knew it was possible to experience love so intensely. My sobs of sorrow turned to sobs of exquisite joy. I never knew I could be at peace with Him like that. It was like being surrounded by a raging fire but with waves of love instead of heat. It was so intense, I almost wondered if I would be consumed. I understood I was forgiven and loved and it was all because of Jesus.  When I woke up the next day, and this love was still there, I was elated and shocked. The love continued with me and I was in a state of joy beyond belief. I now had a love for Jesus I never even knew was possible. He was all I could think about, and talk about. Nothing else mattered any more. The music I once liked was repulsive to me. When trying to find something new on the radio, I flipped through the stations and a man was talking about the things I just recently experienced. Normally, I never would have listened to those "weird" preachers on the radio, but he spoke of Bible verses I never read before that described my experiences perfectly. After sneaking off to listen to this guy daily, I soon learned that there were terms for what happened to me: I was “Born Again” or “Saved.” I craved reading the Bible. It was like reading a new book. Everything came alive to me. After my first time through the New Testament, concepts and doctrines started clicking in place like a puzzle. It made sense, I started to understand.  I finally understood grace, where I could not grasp it before.
~John 3:3,6 “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.”~


Exit:
The radio station of my new favorite program mentioned a church that was about 1 hour north of where I live.  I snuck away to this church that was not LDS, just to see what it was like. It took me 3 weeks to build up the courage to do it. When we started singing songs to Him and worshiping Him for who He was, I sat there and sobbed uncontrollably because I was so overwhelmed with how Awesome He is and how much He loved me, and in turn then how much I loved Him. I am very uncomfortable showing strong emotions publicly, but I could not help it.  I began periodic fasting and praying over the next several months for wisdom and guidance to know if the LDS church really was true. I told my Father I didn't care, but I would be a member of any church He wanted me to be, even if it wasn't Mormon. Over a period of 6 to 9 months, He ever so gently cut away the ties that held my heart to Mormonism as He showed me the truth in His word compared to what I was being taught at the LDS wardhouse. He gave me a new identity in Him that was independent of any specific church. Then one day, I could walk away from Mormonism without any fear.
~2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”~


Snap shot of life in 2011:
All my trust and hope and faith is in the One who loves me.  My trust is no longer in myself, or an organization. I did not understand peace and contentment like I do now.  I am at peace with God, content, and continue to grow in His love...what more could I want? I am so overwhelmed and amazed at what Jesus did for me. I was blind, but now I see. I never wanted to leave the LDS church, I wanted it to be true. But the love of God surpasses ALL! He is all I want, He is my desire and joy. My heart has changed, I have new desires and love for Him.  I get a tug at my heart when I overhear LDS women talk about always striving. I know the yearning many have, “maybe if I can achieve a certain level of righteousness, I will be more happy or fulfilled.” “If only I could be better, things would improve.” I know there is a high percentage of Mormon women who use antidepressants. My heart aches for those who know this struggle.
~Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”~