Thursday, July 25, 2013
The real consequences of sin are...
Callie was the kind of person who saved, invested, and did all she could to earn a good income. She made several unwise investments in properties that proved to be disastrous. She ended up with a debt she was unable to pay. The mortgage bank owner also happened to be wealthy family friend who knew of her predicament. He called her over for a meeting. She started thinking of what she was going to say. Even though her debt was realistically to big to pay back, she still wanted to tell him of her intentions to pay him back. When she arrived for the meeting, the wealthy family friend offered to pay off her debt in full and told her that no repayment was necessary.
The next year, her sister Abby ended up with a large debt she could not pay either. Callie could see it coming though. Abby was never careful with her money, borrowed often from Callie and spent beyond her means. The same wealthy family friend also paid off Abby's debt with terms of no repayment.
If you were Callie, how would you feel?
Would you feel resentful that she got the same treatment as you even though you worked hard and she did not? Would you feel that Abby's rescue was totally undeserved, but at least you were trying really hard?
It would depend on how you understood your debt. If you felt as though you were more deserving of financial rescue, then it would be easy to feel resentful. If however, you understood your debt as unpayable and you were just as underserving of financial rescue as Abby, you would rejoice in both debts being paid and have utmost adoration for the wealthy friend.
-Remember the parable of the unforgiving servant starting in Matthew 18:23? His intentions were to pay back his master the unpayable debt. The master freely forgave the debt. Yet we see his angry reaction to someone indebted to him.
-Remember the parable of the vineyard workers in Matthew 20? The ones working all day got what they agreed on, a days wage, and were upset when those only working one hour got the same payment.
-Remember the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15? The older brother was upset that his undeserving brother received such special treatment?
-Remember Cain and Abel in Genesis? Cain was upset that the sacrifice he worked so hard for was unacceptable, yet Abel's sacrifice was accepted?
One might be tempted to say, "Hey, that's not fair!"
If we don't understand the seriousness of our debt to God, our sin, we miss the boat, we don't get the gospel, and it's not possible to love our brother the way Christ is talking about. If we think our sin is not that bad, something God will overlook, a mistake, or something that will lessen as we progress, we are sorely mistaken. The wages of sin is death ~Rom 6:23. Our sin makes us worthy of hell. If sin were not that serious and did not result in hell, then why even have a Savior? Have you ever considered what you actually deserve? Have you considered what the real consequences of sin are?
When understood correctly, a person would instead say, "Hey, that's not fair! And I am eternally grateful that it is not fair, because I don't want to get what is fair, what I deserve."
Callie could easily think her sister Abby was not deserving or worthy of rescue. She might think that if someone was worthy of rescue, it was probably her; after all, she works so hard to be financially sound. If we equate this to sin, Callie needs to realize that her debt, her sin debt is an offense to God, and if she had broken one sin, she has broken the entire law. ~James 2:10. Callie failed to realize that she too was just as undeserving.
When we understand we are not worthy to get His forgiveness and yet it is freely given to us, only then can we look at another person and love them freely too. When we abandon thoughts that God has forgiven us because we somehow merit His forgiveness by our deeds; when we realize He has forgiven us because of His nature, not ours; when we see that Christ died for us WHILE we were yet sinners (Rom 5:8)... THEN we are free to freely forgive others as well. We love and forgive as we have been loved and forgiven.
However, if a person believes they are more deserving of forgiveness, or less deserving of punishment, then that person is like the unforgiving servant, the complaining vineyard laborer, the older son, and Cain.
Jesus said to love others as He has loved us. How do you believe He has loved you? Freely or conditionally? Do you still think you have some goodness or righteousness from within yourself stored up and Jesus will fill in the gaps; OR do you understand the truth of your own spiritual bankruptcy yet? Did Jesus only make it possible to be forgiven if you go through some repentance process; and if so, how is your progress coming; have you been able to forsake sins and keep the commandments; when do you suppose that will happen? Are you hungry yet; hungry and starving for righteousness because you are a beggar and understand that all the righteousness you've strived for is stinky rags (~Isaiah 64:6)?
It's a wonderful thing to realize the truth of your sinful wretchedness because then you can know Jesus as much more than an example and older brother. You can truly know Him as Savior. After all, if you are capable of becoming righteous by your good deeds or commandment keeping, why would Jesus have to die (~Gal 2:21)? If the wages of sin really is death (~Rom 6:23) and you still can't own up to your corruptness and truthfully admit you are worthy of death and hell, then how exactly is Jesus a Savior? What is He saving you from? The Truth will set you free, and knowing Him in this way as Savior has to be the very essence of "pure bliss." This is why those who know what they are saved from have rightly said that He is worthy of all praise and adoration.
Friday, April 5, 2013
A monopoly
I had an interesting conversation with an elderly Mormon man a few years ago. He was a devout Mormon.
It was evident he unknowingly held on to some strong prejudices against non-Mormons. I used to be the same way, so I am not pointing the finger of blame. I even use a term for this: "a monopoly on goodness." (Sorry I can't remember who coined this phrase).
We were having a discussion about some YouTube videos of the Adam's Road band members who also left Mormonism into a relationship with Jesus. This man was absolutely appalled! He said some degrading things about these young men. He also laid some accusations out about others he knew personally that left the Mormon church. He said of the people he knew personally that they were adulterers, extortionists, liars and so forth. Those accusations may or may not have been true, I have no idea. He then proceeded to point out how he and other faithful Mormons show good fruit. They attend their meetings, pay tithing, attend the temple, and so forth.
I also had a young zealous Mormon missionary knock at my door who also exhibited this belief that Mormon's had a monopoly on goodness. He mistakenly assumed that regular Christians did not have near the good fruit of Mormons and then tried to illustrate his point with examples. He then looked at me and point blank asked, "Where are your good fruits? Can you show me?" He asked in a tone assuming I could not. If only he had new eyes to see.
How interesting that if you measure your worthiness by your moral performance; your obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, it is only logical that every one else's worthiness is measured the same way. Unfortunately, living with this frame of mind tends for a person to be in a position of denial, despair or boasting as it relates to their worthiness. Here is the great illusion: you can be worthy/righteous according to your obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. I'll elaborate on why this is an illusion in a future post and I intend on linking it here.
You may ask, then how else can a person be worthy/righteous if not by their obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel? Good question. What do you suppose Paul meant when he said, "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified." (Galatians 2:16)? It is such a foreign concept to grasp that you are not right before God by your obedience to the law. To the lost, this concept is unfathomable, in fact it is down right foolishness (1 Corinthians 1:18). Let me say this; there is another way to be worthy/righteous... it is the narrow way (Matthew 7:14). How so? Which way is that? Jesus explains it with a parable He gave to those who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else.
It was evident he unknowingly held on to some strong prejudices against non-Mormons. I used to be the same way, so I am not pointing the finger of blame. I even use a term for this: "a monopoly on goodness." (Sorry I can't remember who coined this phrase).
We were having a discussion about some YouTube videos of the Adam's Road band members who also left Mormonism into a relationship with Jesus. This man was absolutely appalled! He said some degrading things about these young men. He also laid some accusations out about others he knew personally that left the Mormon church. He said of the people he knew personally that they were adulterers, extortionists, liars and so forth. Those accusations may or may not have been true, I have no idea. He then proceeded to point out how he and other faithful Mormons show good fruit. They attend their meetings, pay tithing, attend the temple, and so forth.
I also had a young zealous Mormon missionary knock at my door who also exhibited this belief that Mormon's had a monopoly on goodness. He mistakenly assumed that regular Christians did not have near the good fruit of Mormons and then tried to illustrate his point with examples. He then looked at me and point blank asked, "Where are your good fruits? Can you show me?" He asked in a tone assuming I could not. If only he had new eyes to see.
How interesting that if you measure your worthiness by your moral performance; your obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, it is only logical that every one else's worthiness is measured the same way. Unfortunately, living with this frame of mind tends for a person to be in a position of denial, despair or boasting as it relates to their worthiness. Here is the great illusion: you can be worthy/righteous according to your obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. I'll elaborate on why this is an illusion in a future post and I intend on linking it here.
You may ask, then how else can a person be worthy/righteous if not by their obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel? Good question. What do you suppose Paul meant when he said, "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified." (Galatians 2:16)? It is such a foreign concept to grasp that you are not right before God by your obedience to the law. To the lost, this concept is unfathomable, in fact it is down right foolishness (1 Corinthians 1:18). Let me say this; there is another way to be worthy/righteous... it is the narrow way (Matthew 7:14). How so? Which way is that? Jesus explains it with a parable He gave to those who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else.
Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted. ~Luke 18:9-14
Monday, June 4, 2012
The One True Church
When I speak with Mormons, what is the most common question they ask me?
"What church do you go to?"
Even though all the nuances are not verbalized, this question packs a punch in the Mormon mind. I think it is one of the many things a Christian has no clue about when a Mormon asks this question.
This is a small sample of what it meant -to me- to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in terms of "church"...
When I was Mormon, I was under some wrong assumptions about what a Christian thought "church" meant. I want to bring clarity to my LDS family and friends about those wrong assumptions I had; they might have them too. I also want to share what I found out about "church" from the Bible.
The word “church” comes from the Greek word ekklesia which is defined as “an assembly” or “called-out ones.” There really is one true church. The true church in not a church building, but rather a group/body of believers. The one true church consists of those who are righteous by faith in Jesus Christ, wherever they may assemble. Local churches are simply places where local believers gather together. It does not matter what the name on the building is or what any specific group calls themselves. The church was birthed and officially began 50 days after Jesus' resurrection. 3,000 people became believers in response to Peter's message that day; meaning they became part of the "body" or "church." Someone who belongs to Christ does not need to belong to an organization that claims to have His name in the title of their church. The early followers of Jesus were not originally called “Christians.” Rather, they were known as a Jewish sect called “the Way” (Acts 9:2; 19:9, 23; 24:14, 22) and every church had their own name based on their location (church at Jerusalem, church at Corinth and so on).
About the church; consider these verses:
-What is "his body"?-
"What church do you go to?"
Even though all the nuances are not verbalized, this question packs a punch in the Mormon mind. I think it is one of the many things a Christian has no clue about when a Mormon asks this question.
This is a small sample of what it meant -to me- to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in terms of "church"...
- It's the only true and living church on the face of the earth. Conversely, if your church is not the LDS church, it is not true and living. ~1 Nephi 14:10 "Behold there are save two churches only: the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth."
- The LDS church is just like the one Jesus established and is the true, restored church. I may really like you and you may know some truth, but if you go somewhere that is NOT the LDS church, you are going to a church that is in apostasy. Therefore, I am very suspicious of what you and your pastor say about any religious topic. I will be very kind and loving to you and your pastor, but I will likely dismiss in my mind most of what is said and may even wonder if your pastor is only in it for the money. ~JSH 1:19 "I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were and abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt..."
- I believe the LDS church is the true one; and so you probably believe your church is the true one.
When I was Mormon, I was under some wrong assumptions about what a Christian thought "church" meant. I want to bring clarity to my LDS family and friends about those wrong assumptions I had; they might have them too. I also want to share what I found out about "church" from the Bible.
The word “church” comes from the Greek word ekklesia which is defined as “an assembly” or “called-out ones.” There really is one true church. The true church in not a church building, but rather a group/body of believers. The one true church consists of those who are righteous by faith in Jesus Christ, wherever they may assemble. Local churches are simply places where local believers gather together. It does not matter what the name on the building is or what any specific group calls themselves. The church was birthed and officially began 50 days after Jesus' resurrection. 3,000 people became believers in response to Peter's message that day; meaning they became part of the "body" or "church." Someone who belongs to Christ does not need to belong to an organization that claims to have His name in the title of their church. The early followers of Jesus were not originally called “Christians.” Rather, they were known as a Jewish sect called “the Way” (Acts 9:2; 19:9, 23; 24:14, 22) and every church had their own name based on their location (church at Jerusalem, church at Corinth and so on).
About the church; consider these verses:
-What is "his body"?-
~Ephesians 1:22-23 "And hath put all things under his [Jesus] feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church,
Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all.
-Now that we know that his body is the church, notice where He does and does not dwell-
~Acts 17:24 "God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord
of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands"
Romans 8:9 "... that the Spirit
of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he
is none of his."
Ephesians 3:17 "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith..."
-What role do believers play in His church?-
-What role do believers play in His church?-
Ephesians 2:21-22 "In whom all the building fitly framed together groweth unto an holy temple in the Lord:
In whom ye also are builded together for an habitation of God through the Spirit."
God gave us a promise: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~1John 1:9 When we are of the same mind and agree with God about our sinfulness, we can rely on God doing what He says He will do. We can know we are cleansed from all our sins/unrighteousness. We can also can know that God WILL do it because He is faithful, and He is morally right (in other words, just) in cleansing us if we confess our sins. He is just to cleanse us because the payment for our sins have been paid already. Whoever has been cleansed by His blood belongs to Him; those are the members of His church. It doesn't matter what earthly church you go to, it only matters if you are "found in Him" through faith. Faith means trusting that He will do what He says He will do. Do you believe that God is just and faithful in forgiving you and declaring you righteous because of what Jesus did; OR do you believe that God is not just and faithful in forgiving you and declaring you righteous because it still must be what you do?
Why does it matter that I clarify what "church" means?
Because, when I share with you (especially if you are Mormon) you must know my heart. I am not trying to convert you to my local church. I do not believe a person has to be a member of my local church in order to belong to Christ. I will not try to talk you into being baptized into my particular denomination. Like I said, the church is the made up of the body of believers - or simply- anyone who is righteous by faith in Jesus Christ. It's not a "church" thing like I used to believe in Mormonism. Jesus is not the church and the church is not Jesus. I am speaking of something beyond your relationship with an earthly church organization; I am speaking of your relationship with your Creator. The main point is this: are right with God; are you righteous? Those who have be clothed in His righteousness are the members of His true church.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
My Story
My LDS resume:
I was raised in a wonderful, faithful LDS home with roots that could be traced back to the days of Joseph and Brigham. I was valiant in my youth and was asked to speak often in sacrament meeting. My identity was wrapped up in the church. I loved the church. After starting a family of my own, life looked pretty good for a while: calling accepter, faithful church attender, obedient kid raiser, clean house keeper, visiting teacher, impressive relative name dropper, temple attender, sewer, baker, music maker, art and craft indulger, wife, mother and to top it all off - a joyful countenance keeper.
~Having been born of goodly parents...1 Nephi 1:1~
1996 – First wave begins:
Enter: inner turmoil. The secret inner thoughts I rarely revealed: Am I really worthy enough? How worthy do I need to be to go to the temple? What about making it to the Celestial Kingdom? How “good” is “good enough”? Liars are thrust into hell? (2 Nephi 9:34) I was mostly honest - how bad of a lie are we talking about here? Did I confess all sins, feel sorry enough, make sufficient restitution, and truly forsake it? Was I really sincere in my repentance? Sins of commission and omission – doing what I shouldn't and not doing what I should. Did I even recognize all my sins? What about the ones I wasn't aware of – how can I be forgiven of those? Was I doing all that was necessary to even retain the remission of my sins I was already forgiven of (Mosiah 4)? It seemed that week after week of lessons in church, my imperfections became more and more obvious. We heard inspiring stories of faithful members mixed with guilt ridden lessons. I was taught to always strive, always improve, to become better and better. Did I do enough today? Avoid sin enough? Was Heavenly Father pleased with me, or disappointed? Long story short: Can you say Prozac?
~Psalm 14:3 “...There is none who does good, No, not one.”~
~1 John 1:8 “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”~
1999 – Second wave begins:
My husband (who served a mission and was also AP) began having doubts about the church, I was rock solid in my testimony of the Mormon church and unmovable. He kept discovering new problems with Mormon history that I never heard before. I was sure there must be some mistake with this information. The more problems he brought up, the closer I held on to the church. One night, he sat me down and showed me photocopies of original material and quotes, Bible passages that disagreed with Mormon doctrine, and a strong irrefutable case that there might be some serious problems with the church. He talked and reasoned with me for over 4 hours that night. That was the night my shell cracked. Oh, I was still a Mormon, but now I had some serious questions I needed to come to terms with.
~Proverbs 8:17 “...And those who seek me diligently will find me.” ~
Riding the waves:
The next few years were tough. I felt like I was being tossed around. There was stages of depression, a growing sense of unworthiness, and historical problems with Mormonism that I could barley acknowledge existed. We would have visitors at our house over the next few years; both Mormon and Christian. I heard all the arguments to confirm my bent toward Mormonism from missionaries and church leaders. I loved the church, I loved these people and even cried when one of the sister missionaries was called to a different area. However, I found something refreshing and appealing about a Christian man who worked with my husband. I tried, but could not be angry with him. He was so nice and respectful. He showed us Bible verses that contradicted Mormonism and spoke of Jesus, the gospel and the Bible in such a unique way. I noticed his honesty and reverence and love toward Jesus. I also felt guilty when I found out he did many good works like pay tithing. Why? I tried to do good because I had to, he did good things because he wanted to. At times I was convinced the church just could not be true because of overwhelming evidences, I felt angry, sad, and strangely relieved. I would stay home from church for several weeks at a time. However, I still felt guilty which lead to more depression. Sometimes I would block all the problems of Mormonism out of my mind and think to myself that it just had to be true. I looked at all the good Mormons who were smart and they believed. I would then pull myself up by my bootstraps and get back to church. I would set goals, strive, and try harder. I felt like I was progressing and becoming a better person, but eventually, and always, falling short.
~Ephesians 4:14 “...tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about with every wind of doctrine...” ~
2004 - When waves collide:
A horrible thing happened to me. My big crisis hit. I was at the end of my rope. I felt like I was stranded in a big ocean without a ship or life vest for three years.
~Hosea 6:1 “...for He hath torn, and He will heal us; He hath smitten, and He will bind us up.” ~
2007: - The year I died:
I was clinging to the church at this point. However, reality stared me in the face and I was incapable of dealing with it. I even got a blessing from my bishop two days prior to the day I “died.” It didn't change my situation, or my outlook. No one could help me. No one... but... a loving Heavenly Father should? I began, “Dear Heavenly Father...please help me.” Nothing... “Please, Please, help me.” A Mormon verse kept coming to mind that said something like all blessings are predicated on obedience. Also, the Lord is bound when I do what He says, but if not, He holds not promise. I remembered all the times I fell short - small lies by omission, not attending church enough and often not really desiring to be there, occasional inward anger and a judgmental heart, not performing my callings as well as I should have, not doing all my tasks like genealogy and temple attendance more often, and on and on. Then a flood of unworthiness washed over me. I realized at that point that I was asking Heavenly Father for His blessing; and because I was not performing to His good standard, I was not worthy to receive it. I realized that honestly, even if I did get better every day, I could never have even one honest day where I could live up to the commitments I was making to Him each week during the sacrament- to always keep the commandments. I understood that He knows every single thing about me, even my thoughts - and He held me accountable for them. He also knows all the times I did wrong and all the times I did not do what I should do. I was broken and knew I did not deserve His help in my desperate situation. I certainly didn't deserve exaltation. In the most passionate plea I ever uttered, I began again with sobbing, “Father, Daddy, I desperately need a Father like never before; Please, Please, ABBA, hear me! I can't do it! I am not good enough, I will never be close to being good enough. I have no hope of ever living up to the standard; please, please forgive me. Please have mercy on me; help me. I need your forgiveness; my life is a mess. I'm done with it. It is yours to do whatever you want with it. You can have it, I don't care what happens to me. I want You to have my life.” As I was praying, I began to understand what that Christian explained to me many years ago. I finally understood that I could never ever merit the atonement, I was completely without hope of honestly doing what it took to get the atonement and I was in desperate need of saving.
~ Romans 6:6-7...For he who has died has been freed from sin...~
New life:
Then something completely unexpected happened. It reminded me of a fire, but without heat or pain. I never felt anything like it before. I never knew I was loved that much. I never knew it was possible to experience love so intensely. My sobs of sorrow turned to sobs of exquisite joy. I never knew I could be at peace with Him like that. It was like being surrounded by a raging fire but with waves of love instead of heat. It was so intense, I almost wondered if I would be consumed. I understood I was forgiven and loved and it was all because of Jesus. When I woke up the next day, and this love was still there, I was elated and shocked. The love continued with me and I was in a state of joy beyond belief. I now had a love for Jesus I never even knew was possible. He was all I could think about, and talk about. Nothing else mattered any more. The music I once liked was repulsive to me. When trying to find something new on the radio, I flipped through the stations and a man was talking about the things I just recently experienced. Normally, I never would have listened to those "weird" preachers on the radio, but he spoke of Bible verses I never read before that described my experiences perfectly. After sneaking off to listen to this guy daily, I soon learned that there were terms for what happened to me: I was “Born Again” or “Saved.” I craved reading the Bible. It was like reading a new book. Everything came alive to me. After my first time through the New Testament, concepts and doctrines started clicking in place like a puzzle. It made sense, I started to understand. I finally understood grace, where I could not grasp it before.
~John 3:3,6 “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.”~
Exit:
The radio station of my new favorite program mentioned a church that was about 1 hour north of where I live. I snuck away to this church that was not LDS, just to see what it was like. It took me 3 weeks to build up the courage to do it. When we started singing songs to Him and worshiping Him for who He was, I sat there and sobbed uncontrollably because I was so overwhelmed with how Awesome He is and how much He loved me, and in turn then how much I loved Him. I am very uncomfortable showing strong emotions publicly, but I could not help it. I began periodic fasting and praying over the next several months for wisdom and guidance to know if the LDS church really was true. I told my Father I didn't care, but I would be a member of any church He wanted me to be, even if it wasn't Mormon. Over a period of 6 to 9 months, He ever so gently cut away the ties that held my heart to Mormonism as He showed me the truth in His word compared to what I was being taught at the LDS wardhouse. He gave me a new identity in Him that was independent of any specific church. Then one day, I could walk away from Mormonism without any fear.
~2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”~
Snap shot of life in 2011:
All my trust and hope and faith is in the One who loves me. My trust is no longer in myself, or an organization. I did not understand peace and contentment like I do now. I am at peace with God, content, and continue to grow in His love...what more could I want? I am so overwhelmed and amazed at what Jesus did for me. I was blind, but now I see. I never wanted to leave the LDS church, I wanted it to be true. But the love of God surpasses ALL! He is all I want, He is my desire and joy. My heart has changed, I have new desires and love for Him. I get a tug at my heart when I overhear LDS women talk about always striving. I know the yearning many have, “maybe if I can achieve a certain level of righteousness, I will be more happy or fulfilled.” “If only I could be better, things would improve.” I know there is a high percentage of Mormon women who use antidepressants. My heart aches for those who know this struggle.
~Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”~
I was raised in a wonderful, faithful LDS home with roots that could be traced back to the days of Joseph and Brigham. I was valiant in my youth and was asked to speak often in sacrament meeting. My identity was wrapped up in the church. I loved the church. After starting a family of my own, life looked pretty good for a while: calling accepter, faithful church attender, obedient kid raiser, clean house keeper, visiting teacher, impressive relative name dropper, temple attender, sewer, baker, music maker, art and craft indulger, wife, mother and to top it all off - a joyful countenance keeper.
~Having been born of goodly parents...1 Nephi 1:1~
1996 – First wave begins:
Enter: inner turmoil. The secret inner thoughts I rarely revealed: Am I really worthy enough? How worthy do I need to be to go to the temple? What about making it to the Celestial Kingdom? How “good” is “good enough”? Liars are thrust into hell? (2 Nephi 9:34) I was mostly honest - how bad of a lie are we talking about here? Did I confess all sins, feel sorry enough, make sufficient restitution, and truly forsake it? Was I really sincere in my repentance? Sins of commission and omission – doing what I shouldn't and not doing what I should. Did I even recognize all my sins? What about the ones I wasn't aware of – how can I be forgiven of those? Was I doing all that was necessary to even retain the remission of my sins I was already forgiven of (Mosiah 4)? It seemed that week after week of lessons in church, my imperfections became more and more obvious. We heard inspiring stories of faithful members mixed with guilt ridden lessons. I was taught to always strive, always improve, to become better and better. Did I do enough today? Avoid sin enough? Was Heavenly Father pleased with me, or disappointed? Long story short: Can you say Prozac?
~Psalm 14:3 “...There is none who does good, No, not one.”~
~1 John 1:8 “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”~
1999 – Second wave begins:
My husband (who served a mission and was also AP) began having doubts about the church, I was rock solid in my testimony of the Mormon church and unmovable. He kept discovering new problems with Mormon history that I never heard before. I was sure there must be some mistake with this information. The more problems he brought up, the closer I held on to the church. One night, he sat me down and showed me photocopies of original material and quotes, Bible passages that disagreed with Mormon doctrine, and a strong irrefutable case that there might be some serious problems with the church. He talked and reasoned with me for over 4 hours that night. That was the night my shell cracked. Oh, I was still a Mormon, but now I had some serious questions I needed to come to terms with.
~Proverbs 8:17 “...And those who seek me diligently will find me.” ~
Riding the waves:
The next few years were tough. I felt like I was being tossed around. There was stages of depression, a growing sense of unworthiness, and historical problems with Mormonism that I could barley acknowledge existed. We would have visitors at our house over the next few years; both Mormon and Christian. I heard all the arguments to confirm my bent toward Mormonism from missionaries and church leaders. I loved the church, I loved these people and even cried when one of the sister missionaries was called to a different area. However, I found something refreshing and appealing about a Christian man who worked with my husband. I tried, but could not be angry with him. He was so nice and respectful. He showed us Bible verses that contradicted Mormonism and spoke of Jesus, the gospel and the Bible in such a unique way. I noticed his honesty and reverence and love toward Jesus. I also felt guilty when I found out he did many good works like pay tithing. Why? I tried to do good because I had to, he did good things because he wanted to. At times I was convinced the church just could not be true because of overwhelming evidences, I felt angry, sad, and strangely relieved. I would stay home from church for several weeks at a time. However, I still felt guilty which lead to more depression. Sometimes I would block all the problems of Mormonism out of my mind and think to myself that it just had to be true. I looked at all the good Mormons who were smart and they believed. I would then pull myself up by my bootstraps and get back to church. I would set goals, strive, and try harder. I felt like I was progressing and becoming a better person, but eventually, and always, falling short.
~Ephesians 4:14 “...tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about with every wind of doctrine...” ~
2004 - When waves collide:
A horrible thing happened to me. My big crisis hit. I was at the end of my rope. I felt like I was stranded in a big ocean without a ship or life vest for three years.
~Hosea 6:1 “...for He hath torn, and He will heal us; He hath smitten, and He will bind us up.” ~
2007: - The year I died:
I was clinging to the church at this point. However, reality stared me in the face and I was incapable of dealing with it. I even got a blessing from my bishop two days prior to the day I “died.” It didn't change my situation, or my outlook. No one could help me. No one... but... a loving Heavenly Father should? I began, “Dear Heavenly Father...please help me.” Nothing... “Please, Please, help me.” A Mormon verse kept coming to mind that said something like all blessings are predicated on obedience. Also, the Lord is bound when I do what He says, but if not, He holds not promise. I remembered all the times I fell short - small lies by omission, not attending church enough and often not really desiring to be there, occasional inward anger and a judgmental heart, not performing my callings as well as I should have, not doing all my tasks like genealogy and temple attendance more often, and on and on. Then a flood of unworthiness washed over me. I realized at that point that I was asking Heavenly Father for His blessing; and because I was not performing to His good standard, I was not worthy to receive it. I realized that honestly, even if I did get better every day, I could never have even one honest day where I could live up to the commitments I was making to Him each week during the sacrament- to always keep the commandments. I understood that He knows every single thing about me, even my thoughts - and He held me accountable for them. He also knows all the times I did wrong and all the times I did not do what I should do. I was broken and knew I did not deserve His help in my desperate situation. I certainly didn't deserve exaltation. In the most passionate plea I ever uttered, I began again with sobbing, “Father, Daddy, I desperately need a Father like never before; Please, Please, ABBA, hear me! I can't do it! I am not good enough, I will never be close to being good enough. I have no hope of ever living up to the standard; please, please forgive me. Please have mercy on me; help me. I need your forgiveness; my life is a mess. I'm done with it. It is yours to do whatever you want with it. You can have it, I don't care what happens to me. I want You to have my life.” As I was praying, I began to understand what that Christian explained to me many years ago. I finally understood that I could never ever merit the atonement, I was completely without hope of honestly doing what it took to get the atonement and I was in desperate need of saving.
~ Romans 6:6-7...For he who has died has been freed from sin...~
New life:
Then something completely unexpected happened. It reminded me of a fire, but without heat or pain. I never felt anything like it before. I never knew I was loved that much. I never knew it was possible to experience love so intensely. My sobs of sorrow turned to sobs of exquisite joy. I never knew I could be at peace with Him like that. It was like being surrounded by a raging fire but with waves of love instead of heat. It was so intense, I almost wondered if I would be consumed. I understood I was forgiven and loved and it was all because of Jesus. When I woke up the next day, and this love was still there, I was elated and shocked. The love continued with me and I was in a state of joy beyond belief. I now had a love for Jesus I never even knew was possible. He was all I could think about, and talk about. Nothing else mattered any more. The music I once liked was repulsive to me. When trying to find something new on the radio, I flipped through the stations and a man was talking about the things I just recently experienced. Normally, I never would have listened to those "weird" preachers on the radio, but he spoke of Bible verses I never read before that described my experiences perfectly. After sneaking off to listen to this guy daily, I soon learned that there were terms for what happened to me: I was “Born Again” or “Saved.” I craved reading the Bible. It was like reading a new book. Everything came alive to me. After my first time through the New Testament, concepts and doctrines started clicking in place like a puzzle. It made sense, I started to understand. I finally understood grace, where I could not grasp it before.
~John 3:3,6 “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.”~
Exit:
The radio station of my new favorite program mentioned a church that was about 1 hour north of where I live. I snuck away to this church that was not LDS, just to see what it was like. It took me 3 weeks to build up the courage to do it. When we started singing songs to Him and worshiping Him for who He was, I sat there and sobbed uncontrollably because I was so overwhelmed with how Awesome He is and how much He loved me, and in turn then how much I loved Him. I am very uncomfortable showing strong emotions publicly, but I could not help it. I began periodic fasting and praying over the next several months for wisdom and guidance to know if the LDS church really was true. I told my Father I didn't care, but I would be a member of any church He wanted me to be, even if it wasn't Mormon. Over a period of 6 to 9 months, He ever so gently cut away the ties that held my heart to Mormonism as He showed me the truth in His word compared to what I was being taught at the LDS wardhouse. He gave me a new identity in Him that was independent of any specific church. Then one day, I could walk away from Mormonism without any fear.
~2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”~
Snap shot of life in 2011:
All my trust and hope and faith is in the One who loves me. My trust is no longer in myself, or an organization. I did not understand peace and contentment like I do now. I am at peace with God, content, and continue to grow in His love...what more could I want? I am so overwhelmed and amazed at what Jesus did for me. I was blind, but now I see. I never wanted to leave the LDS church, I wanted it to be true. But the love of God surpasses ALL! He is all I want, He is my desire and joy. My heart has changed, I have new desires and love for Him. I get a tug at my heart when I overhear LDS women talk about always striving. I know the yearning many have, “maybe if I can achieve a certain level of righteousness, I will be more happy or fulfilled.” “If only I could be better, things would improve.” I know there is a high percentage of Mormon women who use antidepressants. My heart aches for those who know this struggle.
~Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)